What Do We Really Mean When We Say “Show, Don’t Tell”? | Jane Friedman

Today’s post is by author and book coach Janet S Fox.

---

Let me just start with: I do not condemn “telling.” There’s a place for it in every story, and that’s mainly in the interstices between scenes.

But there’s a reason we must show things when we are in scene and not tell: readers attach to clear actions and emotions. And that’s key to pulling the reader into your story.

Here’s what I see in stories that “tell” too much: two people are having a conversation, but the dialogue is stilted and expositive. Or a character is reacting in a scene, but we don’t understand why because the emotion is not on the page. Or two people are interacting (a fight, a love scene, a heist, a whatever), but we really can’t tell what they want or need.

In an earlier post, I discussed the use of elision to show emotion and to elicit it in the reader. Today’s post comes from the opposite angle: specific in-scene craft techniques.

There are four ways to show in scene: through dialogue, interiority, gesture, and sensory detail.

Showing through dialogue

It’s a common to tell your reader information by having one character convey it to another in dialogue. For example, take teen friends and competitors Harry and Paul.

“Hey, Harry,” Paul said, “I heard you have an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Brown so he can take an X-ray of the knee you twisted yesterday when we were playing pickleball.” 

“That’s right, Paul. This knee really hurts. When you pushed me, I couldn’t believe it. Dr. Brown said he’d take the X-ray and he’ll tell me if I’ll ever walk again, much less play pickleball.”

We feel removed from the relationship between the boys, as Paul dispassionately reiterates things that Harry already knows. We can’t feel anything for Harry because he’s telling us it hurts. But if the author showed Harry’s anger about being pushed by Paul and Paul’s disdain by using antagonistic dialogue, we’d feel it:

“You SOB. You meant to do it.”
Paul shrugged. “You’re a jerk on the court. You had it coming.”
“Damn you. Never again.”
“Got us another pickleball date in two weeks.”
“Not happening! Dammit, I can’t even feel my foot.”
“Brown’ll fix you up.” Paul waved his hand. “See you in two weeks.” 

To show in dialogue:

• Show the speaker’s emotions by using what he says or leaves out in dialogue. Reflect emotions rather than recite facts.
• Don’t have anyone “tell” things to other characters, especially things they would already know.

Showing through internal monologue

Internal monologue is the stuff that is going on inside the character’s head—also known as interiority. The reader has no idea what your character is thinking and feeling unless you find a way to convey it. But once again, you have to avoid merely “telling” the reader, and this one is a little harder to accomplish.

Understanding character backstory and the emotions driving them are essential to getting their emotions expressed through internal monologue. Most of the time your main character won’t be able to express their deepest emotions, their deepest fears, their internal need or lack because they haven’t sorted them out. But you need to know what they are feeling and wanting, in order to convey emotion through the character’s thoughts.

When your character is thinking about how they feel, try the following:

• Use memory as metaphor: “I felt like I did when I walked alone into that classroom and everyone burst out laughing.” (implication: “I’m ashamed, I’m upset, I’m miserable”)
• Use irony: “I should be happy.” (implication: “But I’m not”)
• Use self-deception, so the reader becomes a sympathizer or an analyst: “I shoved Harry because he acted like a jerk.” (implication: “What would you do?”)

Showing through gesture

The third way to convey emotion through showing is through action or “gesture,” which can range from the smallest tic to the big behaviors.

Let’s go back to Paul and Harry:

Harry lunged for the ball, but Paul, coming from behind, gave Harry a hard shove. Harry stumbled, then fell with a cry.

Harry rolled on the court, clutching his right knee, his face twisted, eyes closed. “What’d you do that for?” Harry said through clenched teeth.

Paul twirled the racket in his hand. “You were acting like a jerk.”

Even without the dialogue you can tell what Paul is feeling. And Harry’s pain and shock are clear from his gestures.

To get to gesture:

• Act out scenes as if you are on stage. Get up out of your chair and move around in space, gesturing as if you are the character. Use those gestures in your writing.
• When you write an emotional scene, sit back and imagine yourself in that scene. What are you feeling? Is your skin prickling? Is your mouth dry? Heart pounding? Breath short? Fists clenched? There are a million ways to physically react to an emotion. Show those in your scenes.

Showing through sensory detail

A storm experienced by someone who has just fallen in love is different from the same storm experienced by someone who has just lost a loved one, or by someone who is hiding from a murderer, or by someone who is about to be crowned queen of the underworld.

Consider this passage:

Harry tasted blood and the rank smell of sweat made him nauseous. The slap of balls on racquets was like a nail gun in his brain, and the blinding sun baking the court made everything worse as he clutched his knee in agony. Maybe he had acted like a jerk, but Paul had no business shoving him like that. Harry knew he’d be out of commission for weeks.

To use sensory details to convey emotion, don’t just describe the setting or the scene. Instead:

• Describe the emotions inherent in your character’s observation of the setting or scene, through symbolism and through metaphor.
• Run a check to see how many specific sensory details you’ve mentioned.
• Check for things seen, heard, touched, smelled, tasted, and relate them directly to the emotional context.

Other concrete ways to show

Words/phrases like “I saw, “I felt,” “I heard,” and so on filter the action and tell the reader what is happening. Replace these filter words with active verbs and strong nouns. For example:

• Telling: “I felt scared in the dark room as I heard the wind.”
• Showing: “Branches scratched the glass as the wind moaned. Shadows crept from the corners, and I shivered in the icy air.”

Using words like “happy,” “sad,” or “excited” can be a weak way to express your character’s inner life. Show your character’s feelings by understanding how the human mind and body react to situations. For example:

• Telling: “I was elated.”
• Showing: “As I danced around the room I burst out in giggles. I thought I would sprout wings. He loved me!” 

Passive voice is distancing and tends to lean toward telling rather than showing. In addition to passive, try to avoid using the helping verb “was” with a past participle (any verb plus “-ing”). For example:

• Telling: The dog was chasing the ball.
• Showing: The dog leapt at the ball.

Exercise

Print out 10 to 20 pages of your manuscript and use highlighters or colored markers to outline scenes in one color, summaries in another. Reread your manuscript out loud, looking for the clear images that your mind creates when you enter a scene. If the image is vague, you may be summarizing/telling.