Itâs been two weeks since sheâs been gone. It doesnât feel real and itâs taken me this long to find any words at all. Thereâs already been so many times Iâve thought about calling her and then my heart breaks all over again when I realize she wonât ever pick up the phone again. I always had to call twice because she could never get to the phone in time. She was busy in the garden or taking the dogs out or just waking up. She never called me because she said she didnât want to bother us if I was trying to get Brig to sleep.Â
I just donât understand why she had to leave us so suddenly and without saying goodbye! There are so many things I wanted to tell her. Like how much I appreciate everything she did for me over the years, and how thoughtful she was, and how glad I am that she could meet my husband and my baby, and how sorry I am for not showing my appreciation nearly enough. I pushed her away so many times. She always had an opinion or advice to give especially when I didnât ask for it. I think that bothered me because of how she also taught me to always think for myself and have my own opinions. But I know she only did it because she cared about me. When youâre growing up though, you donât realize that your parents have feelings too. She protected my feelings. I never knew I had to protect hers too.Â
Itâs just not real. I still feel like sheâs just over the mountains at her house, doing what grandmothers do. She was supposed to live forever. She was supposed to hold all of my babies. She was supposed to see my babies grow up. I was going to help her do so many things at her house. âWhen I come back next time…â Iâd always say. I did what I could to help her with computer stuff over the phone but it was always too hard to explain. I always had her make a list of things we were going to do together when I came to visit next time.Â
Did she know? Did she know that she would be leaving us so soon? Why didnât she tell me how bad it was! Why didnât she tell me to come there sooner! Itâs times like these that living out of state or out of the country for that matter is so hard. Iâve been so far away from my family for so many years that you forget that the years are numbered. Time passes by. I know she was proud of me though, for going out into the world and not being afraid of taking chances and living a life of adventure. I know there are more things she was supposed to teach me. She taught me so much already though. I just wish I had let her into my adult life more. I wish I had shared a little more with her.Â
She was one of the strongest women Iâve ever known. She was a protector. She never let me know if anything was wrong. Sometimes it felt like I was living in a bubble because she never wanted me to worry about anything. Was it an illusion or was it just Love? One thing I do know is that she loved me very much. She raised me from when I was just a baby and I had a good life growing up.Â
There are SO many memories. Like how she taught me how to make oatmeal cookies, and the best pie crust, and how to wrap presents, and how to make believe. I remember the places we used to live. I remember going on the boat in the summertime up to the San Juan Islands and playing on the docks poking at sea anemones on the pilings and catching crabs with my net. I remember going off to school and the lunches she would pack for me. All of the visits from the Tooth Fairy and Easter baskets and Christmas stockings from Santa. The Halloween costumes she made for me. Birthday presents and âjust because i love youâ surprises. I remember her letting me get black jelly beans every time we went to the grocery store.Â The crafts she would make with me. Watching Disney movies. Taking her snorkeling in BVI for the first time, and taking her hiking to the top of Saddle Rock so she could check it off her bucket list. And then there is so much I donât remember. So many memories I took for granted. I thought she would ALWAYS be there. She wasnât just a mom or a grandma. She was Bean. She was different.Â
I donât know why Cancer affects so many people. It happened so fast. So suddenly. No one knew what was going to happen or how soon she was going to be taken from us.Â
Itâs not fair. Iâm only 35 and the two people that raised me are both gone. Iâm lucky to still be so close with both my mom and my dad but itâs different, itâs just not the same. I lived with my grandparents growing up and now they are both gone. Iâm angry and sad and numb and in disbelief all at the same time.Â
Now iâve got a beautiful family of my own – a wonderful husband and a sweet sweet little boy. I know my grandparents were so proud of me. I just wish they could see. I wish they could see they did such a good job and that iâm so thankful for everything they taught me.
This past year has had so many life altering events for me. The birth of my baby, losing our home in Hurricane Irma, the passing of my Grandmother, and so many other monumental things in between. Some days I donât know how to find the strength to get me through. Some days I forget that there are so many other people in this world that have much greater struggles.Â On the other hand some days I canât be believe how blessed I am. Life is a funny thing. Everyone has a story. âEveryone you meet is afraid of something, has loved something and has lost somethingâ so before you judge anyone, remember they have feelings too. Hug your loved ones tight. Tell them you love them all the time. Donât take one second for granted.Â
Rest In Peace, Bean. I love you.Â
You are home now, free of pain and back in the arms of the love of your life.Â
4.4.44 – 7.16.18
Forever, your little one.
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